On an ordinary afternoon, you ask the ordinary question. How was school. Your child shrugs, eyes on the window. Nothing. Fine. They are eight, or nine, or ten, and you have learned not to treat every silence as a secret. Later, though, you find the ripped library book stuffed into the backpack, or a lunch that came home untouched, or a note from the nurse about a headache that appears every Tuesday. You begin to wonder if the story is not in the words, but in the detours around them.

Parents often imagine bullying as a scene you would recognize on sight: a shove, a chant, a mean nickname carried across the playground. But bullying today is just as likely to arrive as exclusion, whispered alliances, a group chat your child is not invited into, or a classmate who has learned the art of looking innocent when an adult walks by. The uncomfortable truth is that you can be a careful parent and still miss it at first, because children are skilled at keeping painful things off the dinner table.

National surveys suggest that bullying remains common among school aged children. The National Center for Education Statistics, using its School Crime Supplement, reported that about 19 percent of students ages 12 to 18 said they were bullied at school during the 2021 to 2022 school year. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention similarly reports that about one in five high school students experienced bullying on school property in the past year. Those numbers describe older kids, not second graders. Still, researchers note that bullying behaviors can show up earlier, and that the form often shifts with age, from physical intimidation toward more social and digital forms.

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To understand what you are looking for, it helps to be precise about what bullying is. A widely used definition, associated with the researcher Dan Olweus, points to three ingredients: unwanted aggressive behavior, an imbalance of power, and repetition over time. That power imbalance can be obvious, like size or popularity, or subtle, like a child who controls who gets invited to sit at the lunch table. It also helps to separate bullying from ordinary conflict. Kids argue. Friendships wobble. Someone says something unkind and regrets it. Bullying is different because it is patterned and it traps the targeted child in a situation they cannot reasonably solve alone.

The form bullying takes in late elementary years can surprise parents who are braced for bruises. Physical bullying does happen, but many children in grades three through five encounter the quieter kinds: verbal cruelty that rides home on the bus, social or relational bullying that works through exclusion and rumors, and, increasingly, the early edges of cyberbullying. The social versions are easy to dismiss as drama until you remember what school is at this age. Friendships are becoming more complex, peer status begins to matter, and children are learning the rules of belonging. Relational aggression weaponizes those rules.

And yes, cyberbullying can touch elementary school too, even if a child does not have a phone. A tablet used for games, a shared family device, a class messaging app, or an online game chat can be enough. Research on cybervictimization finds that kids often hesitate to report it because they fear adults will overreact, confiscate devices, or shut down the very social connections that still feel safe. Organizations that work with families, like PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center, warn parents that taking away technology can backfire because it teaches children that honesty leads to isolation.

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That reluctance is one reason bullying can keep going longer than adults expect. When researchers ask students whether they told an adult at school, the numbers are sobering. In the NCES School Crime Supplement tables from 2022, about 44 percent of bullied students said they notified an adult at school, meaning most did not. Depending on how surveys define reporting and who is counted, you will sometimes see even lower figures, closer to one in four, especially for online harassment. The consistent point is that many children keep it to themselves, not because they do not need help, but because they are not sure help will arrive without collateral damage.

The hardest part for many parents is that bullying often announces itself through the body, not through a confession. StopBullying.gov, the federal government's bullying prevention hub, lists warning signs that range from unexplained injuries and lost belongings to frequent headaches or stomachaches, difficulty sleeping, declining grades, and sudden avoidance of school or social situations. Some of these signs are also signs of anxiety, depression, or ordinary stress. That is why it is less useful to treat any one symptom as a smoking gun and more useful to notice patterns: the stomachache that peaks on school mornings, the child who used to love art class but now begs to skip it, the sudden insistence on being driven instead of taking the bus.

One of the most common misreads is to look for sadness and miss irritation. Children who feel powerless at school sometimes come home prickly, explosive, or withdrawn, as if they have used up their patience elsewhere. Another is to focus on grades as the primary dashboard. Academic slips can happen, but plenty of bullied kids keep their grades steady because schoolwork is the one place they still feel competent. What changes first may be subtler: a child who stops asking to invite friends over, or who goes quiet when you mention a particular name.

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Parents also tend to underestimate the power of avoidance. If your child suddenly needs to be picked up early, or finds reasons to miss certain activities, or insists on a particular route through the building, that is information. The bus, for example, is a common location for bullying precisely because adults are limited and kids are packed close together. When a child says they do not want to ride, it is tempting to interpret it as fussiness. Sometimes it is simply a child trying to remove themselves from a daily vulnerability.

At some point, a parent wants to ask the direct question. Are you being bullied. The trouble is that children often hear that question as a yes or no test they can fail. They may not label what is happening as bullying. They may worry that saying yes will make you panic, call other parents, or march into the principal's office tomorrow morning. They may also feel shame, especially at an age when self respect is becoming tender and social comparison is sharpening. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that children may not tell adults they are being bullied because they feel embarrassed or frightened.

A better approach is to ask questions that make room for stories. You might try: Who did you sit with at lunch today, and who did you wish you could sit with. Was there any part of the day that felt hard, even if it was small. Did anyone do something mean that a teacher did not notice. Is there a place at school you try to avoid. If you could change one thing about recess, what would it be. These questions do not demand a label. They invite your child to walk you through their day like a narrator, which is often safer than admitting victimhood.

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If your child offers a fragment, stay with it. Parents sometimes rush to reassurance, because we want the pain to stop. But the first task is understanding. You can reflect what you heard, gently and without turning it into an interrogation. It sounds like you felt left out when they ran off. It sounds like they keep taking your pencil case. It sounds like you are worried they will laugh if you answer in class. The goal is to show your child you can carry the truth without dropping it.

Then comes the question parents really mean when they say what should I do. Because doing nothing can feel like consent, and doing everything can turn your child's school life into a public trial. What helps is to think in phases: steady your child, gather clear information, and then engage the school in a way that is persistent but not combustible.

Steadying begins at home. Tell your child, explicitly, that what is happening is not their fault. Offer a plan that is concrete enough to be calming and open enough to be collaborative: We are going to figure out what is going on, and we are going to get you help at school. You are not in trouble. If cyberbullying is part of the picture, avoid the instinct to punish the phone. Parent education materials from pediatric settings emphasize that threatening to take away devices can make kids less willing to disclose online harassment. Instead, aim for evidence preservation and safety.

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Gathering information does not require a detective board with red strings. It requires a simple record that helps you see patterns and speak to the school with clarity. Write down dates, locations, what was said or done, who was present, and what the impact was, including physical symptoms or missed activities. If belongings are destroyed, take a photo. If there are messages, screenshots matter. This is not about building a case for revenge. It is about giving the adults at school something they can act on.

When you contact the school, start where your child lives most of the day: the classroom teacher or homeroom teacher. Explain what you are observing, share your specific examples, and ask what they are seeing in the classroom and during transitions. Many bullying dynamics are most visible in the seams of the day: lining up, walking to specials, the moment a teacher turns to write on the board. If the teacher responds thoughtfully and you see change, that is a good sign. If the response is dismissive, or if the situation involves places and people beyond one classroom, move the conversation up the chain to a counselor or principal.

Parents often feel frustrated here because schools cannot tell you everything they are doing with another child. Privacy rules mean you may not receive satisfying detail about consequences. What you can reasonably ask for is your child's safety plan. Who will check in with them. Where can they go if something happens. How will supervision be increased in the places bullying is occurring. What is the timeline for follow up. StopBullying.gov's Get Help Now guidance describes escalating contacts from teacher to counselor to principal to superintendent and, when needed, to a state department of education. The point is not to threaten. It is to make sure your child's situation does not get lost in the churn of busy days.

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There is another layer that parents sometimes do not learn about until late in the process: bullying can overlap with civil rights protections. The U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights distinguishes between general bullying and discriminatory harassment. If bullying is based on a protected characteristic, such as disability, race, national origin, or sex, and it is severe, pervasive, or persistent enough to interfere with a student's education, schools have legal obligations to respond. The Department's civil rights guidance on harassment, bullying, and retaliation outlines this framework. This is not the first step for most families, but it can matter when a school response is inadequate or when the bullying targets a child's identity.

If you believe harassment is tied to disability or another protected status and the school is not addressing it, the Office for Civil Rights has a complaint process. OCR generally expects complaints to be filed within 180 days of the last act of discrimination, though there are circumstances for waivers. Most parents never need this route. But knowing it exists can change the tone of advocacy from pleading to principled insistence. Some situations also require a different kind of urgency. If there are credible threats of violence, stalking behavior, extortion, or physical assault, you do not have to treat it as ordinary school conflict. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, in its guidance on children's threats, emphasizes that serious threats should not be dismissed and may require immediate assessment by qualified mental health professionals. In practice, this is where parents may consult school safety personnel, local crisis resources, and, when necessary, law enforcement.

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Parents also want to know what to teach their child, beyond reporting. This is where advice can become unhelpful if it implies that the victim must become tougher to earn safety. The most useful skills are not about being a different child. They are about having options in the moment and support afterward.

Assertiveness is one such option. It is not a speech that scares bullies away. It is a rehearsed way of using a steady voice, a short sentence, and a quick exit. Kids often do better with scripts that feel natural: Stop. I do not like that. Leave me alone. For some children, walking away is the brave choice. For others, finding an adult immediately is the right move, especially when there is a power imbalance that makes self defense unrealistic. Practicing these responses at home, in low stakes moments, can reduce the freeze response when stress hits.

Self esteem is another protective factor, but not in the pep talk sense. It is built through competence and belonging. Children do better when they have at least one place where they feel known and valued, whether that is a sport, a club, a relationship with a relative, or a hobby that does not depend on school status. This is not a consolation prize. It is a reminder that identity should not be owned by the bully. Longitudinal research links bullying involvement with later mental health and well being, which is one reason early support matters.

Empathy belongs in the home because it shapes the culture children carry into school. That does not mean asking your bullied child to empathize with the child who harmed them. It means raising kids who recognize exclusion when they see it, who understand that laughter can be a weapon, and who know how to be a bystander that interrupts harm. The American Psychological Association emphasizes that bullying is a group phenomenon, involving targets, perpetrators, and bystanders, and that adult modeling and clear reporting pathways matter.

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If you want one overarching frame, it is this: your job is not to win an argument with a school. It is to restore safety and belonging to your child's daily life. Sometimes that happens through a teacher who spots the pattern and breaks it. Sometimes it happens through a counselor who helps your child rebuild confidence after weeks of dread. And sometimes, despite everyone's effort, it happens because you decide a different environment is necessary.

Bullying is both ordinary and unacceptable, which is a strange pairing to hold at the same time. Ordinary because it is common, because children test power, because groups form and harden. Unacceptable because no child should have to spend their school day calculating where to stand so they will not be targeted. When your child goes quiet in the car, the most useful response is curiosity paired with steadiness. You are not trying to pull a confession out of them. You are building a bridge strong enough for them to cross.

Sources

  • National Center for Education Statistics. Student Reports of Bullying: Results From the 2022 School Crime Supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey (tables and NCES 2024-109). U.S. Department of Education, 2024.
  • StopBullying.gov. Warning Signs for Bullying; Facts About Bullying; Get Help Now; Respond to Bullying. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, updated 2017-2025.
  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Bullying (Youth Violence Prevention). Updated 2024.
  • PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center. Bullying Statistics (citing NCES).
  • Dennehy, R., et al. The psychosocial impacts of cybervictimisation and barriers to help-seeking. International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, 2020.
  • Family Online Safety Institute. 5 Reasons Youth Don't Report Cyberbullying (parent guidance). 2020.
  • American Psychological Association. Students experiencing bullying; How parents, teachers, and kids can take action to prevent bullying. APA, 2011 and later updates.
  • American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Bullying Resource Center; Children's Threats: When Are They Serious? AACAP Facts for Families.
  • U.S. Department of Education. Harassment, Bullying, and Retaliation; How to File a Discrimination Complaint with OCR (including general 180 day timeliness guidance).